Soul-first

I have already delved into the deeps of my unreasonable obsession with quotes. For the past few months, I have been posting a quote-of-the-day on our church's Facebook page. Every morning I sip my coffee in the early-morning quiet and sift through websites looking for some new or inspiring saying that I think will encourage or challenge my friends. This morning, after I had neatly pasted one onto the wall, I decided to browse for one for my own page. Something that could capture my thoughts better than I could relay them.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
C. S. Lewis

I was simply awestruck with the mind-blowing simplicity of these three, short sentences. What I had been searching for was something that summarized the 4,326 thoughts and concerns that are swimming in my head right now. The fact that I just sent my husband off to hang out with the Army for a couple of weeks. That I will attempt to load all 3 of my kids onto a plane by myself for the first time on Wednesday and trek to GA to see said husband play his saxophone as part of the Army band for the only time in his career. That there are contracts to get out for work, small kids to be loved-on, the inspection on the car (currently residing at the airport) is overdue, my parents want more loving via e-mail and I want someone to come look at this house so it can sell. Somewhat overriding all of this is a pesky physical concern that is limiting my ability to do many of these things as quickly, and carelessly as I would like. In September, I will have my 3rd surgery on my left ankle. This one- officially titled a Modified Kidner Procedure- will repair a torn tendon, shell out an "extra" bone and anchor the tendon back where it was supposed to be in the first place. In the meantime, I am supposed to "do what I can" and "respect my limits." The problem with both of these things is that it doesn't necessarily hurt while I am doing things. Instead, it waits until later to flare and then leaves me wondering just what "thing" I did that aggravated it. Passive aggressive don't you think? In any case, it is a new filter to the way I view my life as I have to allow for extra time or make choices based on what I can physically do.

When I would help a med student preparing for board exams, I used to tell them, "you can control nearly everything about test day-- except the question draw. But- you can learn to control your reaction to that." By viewing ourselves as a physical being whose state of being is controlled by how we feel physically and emotionally, we are reactionary. We prepare for what we can and try our best to temper ourselves based on what we think will come. Driven by how we "feel," every day could find us in a new place. Reacting, like my test-takers to the question in front of us and making decisions based on strategies for best outcomes--one question at a time.

What Lewis proposes is radical in its simplicity. If we view ourselves as a soul first, then we nurture that first- not the physical. We prepare the soul by feeding it a steady diet of Truth. After all, the soul is infinite, the body temporary. But in this short life, we spend so much more time tending to the physical at the expense of the spiritual. Massaging, exfoliating, medicating, trimming, feeding, grooming and loving the body to make it presentable. Hiding flaws, boosting assets, clothing it in trendy fashions in order to establish a physical identity. How much time do we devote to tending the immortal soul? What if we looked to equip the soul first- the body second? Viewing the body as a possession rather than as an identity?

I can't claim to be innocent here. I have a job that (newly) requires me to wear suits when I am in the public eye. I buy the nicest ones I can afford. I try to make sure they enhance parts I am proud of and mask those that motherhood has um...altered. I am just grateful to have come across this quote today. To add another lens to the filter that I now employ. That while I may need to alter my physical activities, that is all it alters.

I believe I have friends that have already made this switch in thinking. I bet you do too. Mature Christians who struggle with long-term physical disabilities and concerns who refuse to be defined by their illnesses or handicaps. Their souls shining brightly as a testimony above a physical body that others may not even consider. I have thought about just how amazing and revolutionary that sort of behavior is. It flies in the face of what people think "should" be the case..that having a chronic condition should find you in despair. Instead, my friends have seen that fact that God has a greater purpose for them (as he does for all of us) and they choose to focus soul-first rather than body-first. Physical challenges remain- of course- but their identity is not reactionary to the experiences they have.

As I said, this nagging ankle thing is pesky. It is akin to a mosquito that robs you of your night's rest. Just enough to distract your thoughts from the important things of life. When I had my first surgery 15 years ago (nearly to the day,) I was just getting ready to be married and my only concern as I sat across from the surgeon was that I be able to walk down the aisle under my own power some 3 months later. 18 months ago, when I had surgery number 2, I just wanted it over-with so I could get back to work-- back to running. Now, I find myself wanting this experience to change me. I don't need to walk down the aisle again- my groom and I are still honeymooning. It is no longer about running, though I would love to be able to do so again. I have a boss that supports me and will cover my travel. This time, I want to heal physically and change my perspective. To take the time I would spend doing physical things and invest them in pumping up the eternal. To lay up treasure that "moth nor rust will corrupt."

I want to be soul-first.